and technically, I don’t think it’s even winter yet, but yeah, the blues, I has them.

It’s mainly due to my inactivity.  I’m trying to stay busy.  I really am.  I’ve rearranged the living room twice, swept the entire apt a hundred or so times, I even mopped the bathroom and kitchen and scrubbed out the cat boxes.  everything but the toilet pretty much.  It’s obvious that I’m throwing out control as much as I can for what I can control.  Thankfully I’m not being too much of a tyrant around the house besides my thanksgiving breakdown.  And I wasn’t even a tyrant, I just withdrew myself completely.  slightly better ha.

anyways, I’m fairly sad today.  I woke up at ass end hours of the evening to Ace resigning from both of our words games.  he hadn’t played his turn in like 3 weeks anyways, but still.  I read into that sort of shit WAY too much, which again, wintertime blues.  Summertime, this wouldn’t have even bothered me.  but because I can wake up at obscene hours of the night, check my phone, get bummed and then have the time to really think about it is just not good.  That’s basically started a spiral of negative thoughts in my head.

I don’t like it.  I don’t like being “one of those” girls.  I hate feeling obsessive for just having feelings.  I hate feeling crazy for fantasizing about being with a dude.  I don’t want to think about all the possibilities because it starts getting my hopes up and that’s not good either.  I can’t get my hopes up because it’s not real.

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.  I hate the games.  I hate the fact that I can’t just tell people I like them and have an adult conversation about it.  I hate thinking that part of my decision to move to LA is being swayed (or at least expedited) because I feel like I could have a chance with this guy, if I was just there.

this entry is so disjointed but my mind is all over the place.  He is on tour essentially until mid January.  I shouldn’t even try to pursue because I know exactly what it’s like on tour.  UGH.

 

I guess the one good thing that has come from all this is that I know what I want.  I know I can (to some degree) get what I want.  I just have to hold out for what I really want and believe that I actually deserve it…  It will happen.  right?

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I’m kinda feeling like I’ve hit a groove.  It’s pretty awesome.  And a well needed ego/esteem boost.  It sucks that I need to get attention to feel that boost, but for now, I will take it!  I’m in the prelim stages of seeing someone.  You know, we’ve been on a date or two, hung out a few times, he bailed me out of a situation that I had to ask for help in (ugh)…  So still new, but kinda promising?

I’m getting the vibe that chris2.0 is into me (again/still? not sure which one to use).  We’re hanging out tonight so that might be something interesting.  I’m WAY hung up on LA dude too.  WAY.  Ugh, I’m kinda glad that I don’t like in LA right now because if I did, I’d be all over that shit and probably making myself look like an idiot.  that said, I reallllllllllly wish I was in LA right now so I could be all over that shit.  I haven’t met a dude that I felt like I could seriously date in SO long.  I mean, I’ve met dudes and hung out with dudes that I’ve LIKED, but not like this.  I couldn’t do casual with this guy.  We did the whole tour dating thing plus a week of fake relationship-ishness but then I went home.  If I lived there I would definitely pursue that.

So, that was long winded and whatever.  Anytime I think about LA dude I get like that.  it’s really ridiculous.  I suppose this is good though.  I’m happy that I’m capable of attracting a dude that is the caliber I want.  I don’t only attract douchebags after all!  I am not sure why I felt confident with this guy but I did and it worked.  Holding on to that and seeing how things will go with this new dude.

I am sure it may mean I’m a bad person because I’m seeing someone new while I still feel so strongly about someone else, but I’m trying to be realistic.  I’m probably not going to be moving for another 6-12 months.  I should date here in Seattle.  Especially since LA dude isn’t like, flying to Seattle to see me or anything.  And new dude is fun, so what’s the harm?  I like him and that’s all that matters I suppose.  I just don’t know HOW much I like him I guess?

and then there is chris2.0 haha.

 

I am starting the gym this week.  I was going to do it monday but I had to let the pest people in the apt.  Then I was going to do it today, but I had my haircut appt.  So friday it is!  I’m going to get my ASS kicked.  but that will be good.  I need the exercise and the schedule.  I’m failing at my STAY MOTIVATION 2010 program.  This is a needed kick in the ass.

 

I got nothing else.  I could ramble on about whatever forever but I won’t.

Well, I found myself amidst a tour romance towards the end of this last tour.  His name is Ace and we got along really well.  He was into me, I was into him and you know the rest.  His qualities lay mainly in my column of “must-haves” and to be honest, I can’t think of anything on my “deal breaker” column that he shared.  Slam dunk.  You know, except that he lives in LA and I live in Seattle.

 

And here is where logic kicks in.  I’m trying to logic myself out of a sore heart.  Not broken by any means, I have nothing but good things in mind when I think about this, just sore because, well, he’s not at my side right now.  It sounds silly, I know.  But it’s true.  Boyfriend material that one. Anyways, I’m logicing myself.  Yeah, I made that word up.  But nonetheless, that’s what I’m doing.  Thinking, well, I shouldn’t get any more emotional about it because of the distance.  but I can’t help it.  I am so, SO happy that I got to meet him and hang out with him because it has shown me, again, that dudes DO like me.  And not just swarmy gross dudes, decent, attractive, mature dudes like me.  I’m trying to focus on that and not the distance.

Is it totally ridiculous to have these feelings?  Probably.

 

How does all this relate to my blog?  I suppose it has given me a little bit of an ego boost and much needed polish on my self esteem.  It’s not often I find myself in a situation where a cute boy likes me.  I know it’s probably sad and maybe unhealthy that this sort of attention temporarily patches the holes in my self esteem but fuck, it’s just nice to know that such patches, however temporary, even exist.

 

And on that note, I am trying to ride this high.  stay motivated.  stay focused, stay positive.

 

So, I’ve been hanging out with this dude, Ace for the past week or so.  He’s with the opening band and oddly enough, is bffs with my roommate’s ex-bf.  Small world.

Anyways, I gave him my number because I thought he was cute and whatnot.  We’d been casually flirting a bit and ended up hanging out on our day off.  We hooked up and it was super fun and we’ve been hanging out a bunch (or as much as you can while on tour).  I like him, he falls into a lot of my must-have categories and as far as I can tell, non of my dealbreakers.

Obviously, I’m crushing pretty damn hard.  I can’t help it.  He likes me.  Or at least it appears so.  I’m staying in LA for an extra week after this tour and he invited me to stay at his place for a couple days.  And I’m going to but I’m so effin nervous.  Like, what if he decides he doesn’t like me after I’ve already arrived at his?  What if an ex-gf shows up and he bails on me?  I dunno, of course my mind has come up with all these ridiculous scenarios that probably won’t happen, but I’m still scared.

I’m trying to take it as it comes.  Just enjoying the fact that a cute boy likes me and I like him.  So what about the other details.  It’s easier said than done, but I’m doing my best.

 

I’ll get back to you in a week and let you know how it goes.

I haven’t been blogging here much.  Mostly because I’ve been really busy with work and now I’ve started an online English class and have even less time to blog in yet another location, especially one with a focas.

I guess I can update about a few things before I get too far off topic.

I’ve been really lazy with Ok Cupid.  Some dude asked for my number and I gave it to him then immediately regretted it.  Not sure why specifically, but I suddenly felt creeped out and weird.  When I was on break (a couple weeks ago), I was supposed to meet up with this dude Marshal but I got busy and never called and he didn’t call til after I was already back out, so there ya go.  The funny thing is, I will be speaking to his audio class this fall sometime.  Too funny.

Still infatuated with Chris2.0 but again, not sure why.  I mean, obviously he’s a super nice dude, caring and smart and driven.  All things I like, but he’s also young and still interested in things that young dudes like, like eating mushrooms.  I dunno.  I’m just too old for that behaviour haha.  Still like him though.

There are a few other misc crushes.  One gentleman an online friend that I’ve been able to become more acquainted with…  This dude who techs for Anthrax is super cute but yeah, that’s not gonna happen.  I mean, neither are gonna happen but yeah…

 

On the self esteem shit, I’m about the same.  I have days where I feel super cute and days that I don’t.  I still feel fat regardless of that mood change.  I am feeling better about myself because I’m working and taking a class and being productive, but not really any change on my self image.

I’m looking forward to this fall.  Hopefully I’ll be able to afford going back to Cappy’s.  Also looking forward to having some time off so I can cook for myself again.  This relates because if I am able to do these things, I can possibly lose some weight.  losing weight=happier me.

okay, I suppose that’s my update.  I’ll try not to let so much time go by next time blog.

So, for a long time, I mean a looooong time, I’ve been contemplating trying to get prescribed drugs to help me lose weight.  Like I’ve said in the past, I’ve worked out, ate well, hired a personal trainer, been to a nutritionist, went to therapy and guess what?  Still fat!  So why not drugs?

I mean, obviously I understand the risks.  basically they prescribe speed.  Appetite suppressant and motivation giver (yes, that is a technical term).  So it’s bad for your heart, potentially bad for your kidneys/liver… but you know what? I don’t really care.  So is being fat.  So what is the lesser of two evils?  I don’t really know.

I do know that I need help.  I want to have the motivation to be more active.  I want to not be hungry 24/7.

So, I think that when I get home I am going to a doctor to see if I can get some adderal or something.  I think I might have better luck lying to get adderal than being honest and trying to get phen. . .  isn’t that fucked up?

So, this episode is about a lady that had gastric bypass and got skinny and is now making workout videos.  Long story short, she’s sick (obviously, it’s House) and the cure is basically reversing her gastric bypass and starting to eat more fatty foods.

The chick doesn’t want to do that because she doesn’t want to get fat.

And I can sympathize.  While watching this episode, all I could think about was how jealous I was that she was skinny after being fat.  As much as I want to accept myself for who I am, all I want to be is thin and pretty.  I want my body to match my pretty face.

sigh…  I hate to think negatively, but sometimes I really doubt that I’ll ever be able to love my body for what it is.  I keep thinking of schemes (diets) to try.  I keep thinking how pissed off I am at myself for gaining back 30 of the 40lbs I lost in 2007.  I was not thin but I was getting closer.  I am teetering so close to 200lbs and it fucking disgusts me.  How am I supposed to love myself?